He Said She Said
by fluidfyre
Internet nerds might remember Carrie Goldman’s daughter from the fame she achieved in late 2010 – Katie, the little girl who loves Star Wars, and was bullied at school because ‘it’s for boys’. I originally heard of her on the Epbot blog, but her story quickly went viral, exploding to include a ‘May the Force be with Katie’ day and more – her story was even featured on CNN. She became a veritable poster child for anti-bullying campaigns, as nerds and parents all over the Internet rallied behind her.
Katie kicking-ass with her lightsaber.
Recently, I came across another article written by Carrie Goldman, Princess Boys and Star Wars Girls, that brings attention to the fact that boys who want to play with girl’s toys aren’t given anywhere near the same support as girls wanting to brandish lightsabers. The boy she talks about, Dyson, likes to wear princess costumes and dresses (his mom has actually written a book about it too, good on her!) – and unfortunately, he has received more negativity and discrimination because of his choices than Katie ever did.
Dyson is having way too much fun, apparently
While a first glance, this might be another rumination on bullying and its effects on children, to me it becomes about the deeper issue of gender identity and societal norms. In truth, it made me want to re-evaluate Katie’s situation and the social disparity between boys and girls and what is acceptable for their own gender identification. Keep in mind, I don’t want to mistake gender identity for sexual identity.
I grew up as a tomboy (heck I probably am still one – apart from my rack, I end up being pretty androgynous); I hated wearing dresses, I didn’t want much of anything to do with other girls, sold my only Barbie to my older brother so he could put her in a model airplane, and I loathed the colour pink. I loved sports, and played tons of video games. I was taller than all the other kids from kindergarten on. In grades 3-4 I had short hair, and was often mistaken as a boy. I remember it well, and though I remember being irritated at first, I can also remember being pretty okay with it.
Maybe that was a result of supportive parents who encouraged my individuality – or could it be that tomboys are more socially acceptable and supported than sissies (or effeminate boys). As my partner put it, being called a boy isn’t bad, but being called girly is downright insulting (misogyny anyone?). Tomboy harkens strength, while sissies are weak.
It’s funny setting out to write something and finding yourself reaching a different place than you originally intended. The old, women are weak, while men are strong – so emulation of the male prerogative is easy to accept. Is that really what it all comes back to?
Maybe take a moment to go back through the pictures featured in this post. What emotions do they evoke in you? What thoughts do they rouse? Beyond that, maybe google to see what images of crossdressing men and women are returned to you. Which is more mainstream? Which is funny? Which is acceptable?
Why can Katie play with her lightsaber, but Dyson can’t play with his princess wand?
Filed under: family, feminism, sexuality and gender | 29 Comments
Tags: crossdressing, dyson, gender identity, katie, princess boys, sissy, star wars girls, tomboy
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Recent Comments
I used to teach the Sociology of Gender and have lots to say on this subject. But I’ll be brief. The gender norms for females have broadened in recent years while they still remain quite narrow for males (hence Dyson’s dilemma). This is not to say that females are equal in society–indeed, sex discrimination is alive, well, and just more sneaky than it was 50 years ago.
That being said, when I see the pictures you posted, I see them with a neutral eye. They are all people expressing themselves in their own way. Sexuality is but one dimension of a plethora of dimensions that make up our human experience. To focus on this one dimension and give it so much attention is to deny the richness of our other qualities that make us who we are. And that’s a crying shame.
Great, thought-provoking post…
Thank you for such an in depth reply! I agree with you – progress has been made, but it still has a way to go. And I’m glad you see it with a neutral eye
it wasn’t something I really thought about (more) until I began to look through images online. Or even thinking about popular culture – aren’t men dressing as women usually the butt of a joke?
“just more sneaky than it was 50 years ago”
Perfect.
I’m sure when Dyson is older, he’ll be able to play with his princess wand!
A significant part of my undergraduate training was in the area of evolution and ecology. I wonder about the balance of nature and nuture in all the gender variations that we display. I tend to feel that all species have the same presentations but with our creation of intelligence, we complicate the hell out of it.
But why should he have to wait till he’s older? I’m also inclined to imagine most of society would ostracize him more as a grown man with such behaviour – it might be more easy for him to find others like him, but to act that way in every day life?
Would this sort of gender identity even play a role in animals? Or does what they do relate more to biology? Is there a difference between how girl/boy animals play? I won’t deny, I’m curious now – especially with other primates. I won’t deny though hehe, we do certainly complicate things.
This post leaves lots to think about in a world which needs to be thinking a lot more about gender identity than it is. It’s a painfully slow trek, but maybe, just maybe since we’re at the very least talking about it, perhaps we are on the right path. Excellent blog, thank you for your insights
Reading it made me think more about my own perceptions of gender identity – and how men identify in particular. How they want to dress, and how the world views them. How do I view them? Hopefully in years to come, we’ll see more progress
thanks for your own feedback in return!
Thanks for a thought-provoking post. The pictures don’t evoke any strong feelings one way or the other for me. It’s never bothered me when people choose not to dress or act in the ways that are “acceptable” for their gender.
But it’s disturbingly true that a man in a dress seems to be considered “funnier” than a woman in a tux. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s not due to gender discrimination against men; it’s actually gender discrimination against women.
To me, the unspoken message is that female traits are inferior, and aspiring to look/act/be female is laughable. That’s why it’s an insult to call someone “girly”. I brought this issue up on my blog: http://bit.ly/oI3pQz, but I didn’t come up with a satisfactory resolution there, either.
Read your blog post, I think they compliment each other rather nicely! And I’d venture to say it isn’t just your generation embarrassed by reading romance (or maybe other “steamier” writing, right?) — that they link to the same thing. Like you said, weakness associated with being girly.
In the end, I think it’s discrimination against both men and women – admittedly, in part it relates to this female inferiority, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is men who are suffering because of their choice to do what makes them happy. I think it’s unfair to them to make it entirely about women. Does doing so introduce a bias of its own – making us label these things as ‘feminine’ (though I won’t argue, that is what society labels them as).
Making me think about it even more now! Your insight into romance novels, I can really relate to wanting to hide my girlish attributes.
There is usually much more “wiggle room” for females to explore types of clothing and hobbies, than there is for males. I have also heard that in a course on Gender.
Is this a sign that women (and girls), are, in some aspects, favored over men (boys)? I am not sure. If a boy dressing/acting “like a girl” attracts so much critic and disrespect and laughter, it might be a sign that anything feminine is considered lower status.
In my own experience, I have notied that mothers are usually much more tolerant of their little boys experimenting with dresses, makeup and nail polish (and playing with dolls and all). The daddies arethe ones who seem upset.
Some parent genuinely fear that letting their kids wander away from their gender will makethe kid “turn” gay, which is a belief hat needs uch reeducation (is gender a fixed thing, is it directly related to sexual orientation, is gayness wrong, is any of those things innate, etc.)
I find that exposure to all kinds of expressions of gender and sexual orientation is the nly way to get used to them and end up thinking of them as healthy and fine.
I agree! I really like your comment about women/girls being favoured over boys in their ability to explore their ‘gender identity’. Is it more acceptance from women? Or is it merely men who’ve grown up and experienced intolerance or teasing etc. when they were young, and don’t want their own sons to go through the same? I don’t doubt much of it is also that fear of “the gay” (Margaret Cho is in my head saying this, I swear), depending on the person.
And I agree with your comment about exposure
hopefully as a wider range of expressions become more accepted and visible in mainstream society, it will equalize what disparities exist, and remove the discrimination people face for their choices.
Consider that a women in “men’s” clothes is concealed while a man in “women’s” clothes is revealed.
Wow I really like to think about that
yes, finding obscurity in male clothing is something I can relate to! Adds another layer to considering why society acts the way it does towards these life choices.
Might also have to do with the fact that we tend to see the female as “marked”, whereas we see the male as “neutral”, unmarked. (I am not inventing this. There is a whole theory about how and why the male is supposedly central to humanity, where the female is a “deviation” from it – interesting when you know that biologically, we have exactly the same structures until they start to differentiate in utero, one towards male, one towards female… why would the male come “before” the female? Are we still so influenced by Adam and Eve’s story?)
There is a lot of sexism just in that: why is the prototypical human being a male? Why, in jokes, if you want a neutral character you say it’s a man, and as soon as you mention a woman for sure there will be something typically feminine in the punchline? Wyere is women’s right to be neutral in themselves, where i woment’s right to be a human being and not a feminized human being?
Adopting a female appearance “puts you on the stage”, or so to say. Adopting a male appearance renders you very neutral.
I’d be inclined to say a lot of society is still influenced by the Adam/Eve dichotomy. It’s hard to avoid the influence religion has had and continues to – that’s a whole other pandora’s box hehe. Christianity and its subdivisions reinforce a lot of these notions and ‘boxes’ to fit men and women into. Can it all relate back to original sin? From that moment, knowledge and women are demonized – and inferior to man as a result?
You’re exactly right about being on a stage. It’s made me think a lot about how I dress – and how neutral I strive to become. Because of how I want to be perceived (comfort too, albeit).
Christianity created that story to subjugate women! Actually, older cultures revered women because, although they did not know why, life sprung forth (with a little help
, from women!
Yes heh, I was thinking that – but I wasn’t as confident of the details.
another great post – really enjoyed your thought process, the pics and the comments from other bloggers.
i don’t know, i guess i am more radical than you and commenters so far. i think that we are forced to view gender identification as a dualistic system, i think about classic Aristotelian logic where the subject is in foreground and everything else is background and lacking indentity, in a feminist critique, in our society, the male is the subject and nothing else, read: female, doesn’t have specific identity. western society demands that we make a choice when it comes to gender indentity, but this choice is between two and we are expected to stick with our choice in all situations. i think this is limiting. i believe that there needs to be more fluidity and more acceptance of fluid gender indentification – mostly i wear dresses and someone may consider to be a “girly girl”, until i talk their ear off about rock climbing, then they might think me to be a “tomboy”. in reality, i’m neither. i’m both. it doesn’t matter. it is private and personal and just and only me.
i’m sure, this comment sounded better in my brain, so sorry for my clumsiness with words…
I wouldn’t call that radical at all, it’s a great perspective – one I hadn’t originally thought of! But I agree with you int he respect that it isn’t much of a choice. I had thought of including in this the couple who were keeping the gender of their baby a secret from everyone, to try and raise them genderlessly – so the child could make the decision for themselves when they were old enough to do so. (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/opinion/why-all-the-fuss-about-a-genderless-baby/article2034896/)
I don’t think the fact that people make judgement calls based on what they see will ever be able to be avoided. What we wear and our mannerisms (and then how we talk) will determine what gender people view us, how responsible/trustworthy they think we are etc. I don’t think that’s something that can ever be escaped – or will ever change.
an entertaining and thought provoking disquisition on gender; I can call a mixed class of students ‘guys’ and everyone’s okay with that but call them all ‘girls’ and you get a different reaction
That’s exactly it – this made me think of if one was ‘out with the guys’ , and went ‘Come on, ladies”.
To me all the pictures are acceptable. The men in drag look like a great time, the girls who look like boys are hot. It’s sad that there are people who wouldn’t agree.
Great post!
Perhaps it’s sad, but how do we separate the people who would look at these ‘different’ people and make assumptions or think it’s wrong… and those who have been raised to believe it? I won’t deny, at some point people need to find their own beliefs, but it’s hard to avoid the reality of what gender norms are ingrained in people at a very young age by mainstream society. Hopefully in time, it will become less of an issue though
Thanks for the comment!
I’m doing some research of my own on gender identity, and I cam across a statement that makes it so plain: Gender is in the brain, while sexuality is between the legs.
I remember reading “A Child Called Z” (think that was the title) about the gender non-specific experiment. It seems like so long ago, but everything still applies. The tomboy, the sissy, the pink, the labels. Just when we think we have advanced, we realize that we really haven’t.
Good post.
I think maybe more people are aware of it – more people are thinking about how people express gender. But I agree, we still have a long way to go. I actually don’t think we can escape the clothes we put on (or other physical manifestations of what society deems as gender specific) affecting how people view what kind of person we are.
To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar
That is the name of the movie where the actors are dressed in drag, your last photo. I really liked that movie. Have you seen it? It all comes down to respect doesn’t it? That was the whole point of this movie. Hardly anyone I know thinks anything about this little movie, and yes, it can be a bit melodramatic at times, but the message is loud and clear…R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
But what does respect mean to different individuals? There will be those that find this ‘behaviour’ unacceptable. It got me thinking about just how people dress in general, gender specific aside — but how people view each other based on how they dress. Can we wholly separate the two?